Fear
by ershey
Summary: You wouldn’t know that adrenaline rush you have when you see what you fear the most. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, ‘cause really, its not. I guess I’m just saying that without fears, you’re not whole.
1. kid blink

Disclaimer: You know how it goes… I don't own the newsies… you don't own the newsies. Even SHE doesn't own the newsies. *shrug* But hey, that's what fanfics are for, right?

~*~ 

Fear. That one word means so much to different people. We all have our fears and doubts about something in our life. Come on, who doesn't? As for somebody who doesn't fear anything…. I'd say too bad for you. You wouldn't know that adrenaline rush you have when you see what you fear the most. I'm not saying it's a good thing, 'cause really, its not. I guess I'm just saying that without fears, you're not whole. Not human, even. But that's not my point entirely. 

I never really knew what I was scared of, until I thought that my life would be taken away from me. No, I'm not talking about dying, geez… I'm not that drastic. Just surviving right now is already too much for me. But that's my life. I can't do anything about it…. Or at least I think so. Kloppman always looks the other way…. Saying that we can always change our paths, our future. But how the hell are we supposed to do that when we have no money in our pockets, when we hardly even have pockets at all?! Damn. This life just ain't easy. 

So you're asking me what I fear? I wouldn't exactly say it out loud, but since you treated me like any other person, I'd say having to survive. Really. I know it's not what you expect…. You were probably thinking Snyder, jail, or maybe even death, but nah. Those are nothing to me. I'm scared of what might happen to me when I'm trying to survive. All those things that we have to do just to breathe, to eat, and to sleep. I never really knew it was so hard waking up to see another day where I can just go ahead and say "Yeah, sure, everything's fine." But that's not how it goes. 

I think I should be saying that I should know something about surviving with my eye and all. Yeah, there, I said it. I have one eye…. Why'd you think I have this eye patch for? Really, I thought you were smarter. And no, it ain't just so I can sell more papes (it really helps by the way), its something that grew to be a part of me. Now I know what you're asking, was I born this way? Hell no. 

Everybody had two eyes. That's the way it was. But I really didn't think that Seammus Reily was going to do that. I guess it was 'cause of the dark and all, but your eyes get used to the dark once in a while don't they? Damn, he was practically blind without light. I never really paid any attention to him, but I guess that's how I got this way. 

It was one of those nights when he was in a bad mood again…. And nobody wanted that. Really. It was a good thing that he locked himself in his room or else we would've been all beaten with bruises. That's how it was at the orphanage. It really wasn't easy there either. But stupid me, I snuck out that day…. Come on, Who would want to stay in one place all their life? Anyway, in I go through the closest window I can find (hey, I was tired) and there he was. Seammus Reily, not looking the best with the fire poker in hand. Remember what I told you? That he couldn't really see in the dark? I guess he was one of the stupidest people I met, cause he immediately thought I was a rat. Sure, I was small, but NOT THAT SMALL. I really resent that. So he ran around and chased me with his fire poker like a little kid. You know what happened. I got nearer the fireplace and I guess he saw my face…. That I wasn't a rat at all…. Or maybe I was, in his eyes. He got angrier that he was chasing a different rat entirely, one that was supposed to stay inside. I guess his thick skull got the best of him. I would've ran, really, I would, but there was nowhere to go. It didn't really help either that he was three times larger than me or can squash you in a second if he sat on you. I knew he was aiming somewhere else, but it just went into my eye. Damn. 

I can still feel that fire poker in my eye. It was damn hot. I even heard sizzling when he tried to pull it out. What's more, it hurt so much that I could hardly see. But that's what happens when you get poked in the eye, doesn't it? I screamed the hell out of my lungs that I bet the whole orphanage could've heard me. But I didn't care. It hurt so much that I didn't have time to think. The blood from my eye started to run down my face…. I thought it was crying, but no, it was blood. Red blood. My blood. I don't even remember how I got out. I'm just glad I am. 

I guess you can say I survived. But that was only one point in my life. I still have to survive my whole life entirely. Whose to say what's going to happen? When I was born I didn't know somebody was going to poke me in the eye with a fire poker. I didn't even know that I was going to be a newsie. But thank God for that. Not knowing what's going to happen. I guess it keeps you sane…. And always guessing. It gives you something to hold on to, not knowing what's going to pop up any second. And I guess that's how fear comes into the story. But fear helps you get over things, doesn't it? Or at least I think so. Sure, I'm still scared not knowing HOW THE HELL I'm going to live, not knowing if I'm going to have another drink, sleep on another bed, talk with my friends, or even have a family. But that's how it goes. We'll just never know. 

So there you have it. My fear, in one word. Surviving. 

-Kid Blink 

~*~

Thought i'd do blink first... haven't done a fic on him yet. :P I have a feeling the next one's going to be Spot... 

Argh, ff.net's not being reasonable... i wrote this out on word, with a different font for every newsie, just to make it a bit more interesting... but its obviously not showing up, so if you want to see the one with the font, just leave your email in your review and i'll email it to you. for those in NML and NWA, don't worry, i'll be sending it there. ^^ 

ershey


	2. spot conlon

**Fear - Chapter Two**

~*~

Who made up these stupid questions, I'd like to know. What am I scared of? – Oh well, sorry, I meant fear. But isn't that the same thing? Right…. Whatever you say so. I know what you're thinking, "Here I am talking to the most respected newsie in Brooklyn… I bet he doesn't fear anything." Hah, you got it all wrong. I still have feelings, you know? I ain't some bastard walking around, ordering people and telling them what to do just for a living. I'm more than that. Since you're so slow right now, I guess I'm going to have to spell it out for you. 

Yeah, I bet you heard it before… the life of a newsie ain't easy. And it isn't. Just ask anyone who has ink smeared all over their hands, a black eye, and dirty clothes on. It ain't that hard not to see us. And we all know how everybody else looks down upon us. Street rats. The lowest of the low. We know how it is. 

That's why I'm here for. Now, I know it ain't the purpose of my life, but its part of who I am Being the leader ain't easy, either. All those newsies you have to watch out for, look out for, and help. There's only one of me and so much of them that I sometimes don't know how I'm going to do this. But you get the hang of it, you know? That's what my birds are for. It makes the job easier. 

So back to the subject. Fear. I got it right this time, alright? I DO have fears, just things that I don't show right out. I have my reasons. But since you said this isn't going to be known by others, I'm going to tell you. You should be happy that I trust you about this. I don't really talk about it. 

You see that girl over there? Yeah, her. I know you've seen me with her the past few days. Then, look over there…. Yeah, the redhead. You've seen me with her too. I know what you're thinking, what does girls have to do with this? Ah, the womanizer, that's me. Or that's what people call me. It ain't something I'm proud of, just something I came to be. 

Its not that easy finding someone you're comfortable with, especially with everyone watching your every move… wanting to know what happens next between the two of you. Did they fight? Did they just kiss? What happened? But the point is, I've felt NOTHING with all the girls I've been with. There it is. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing at all. Sure, you feel the passion when you first kiss, but afterwards… nothing. And I've looked and looked, I don't really know why… Cause I have all my life. But I can't really wait, can I? 

The thing is… a guy can easily fall for a good-looking girl. I should know. But what about all the other things? I know, I'm getting all… lovey-dovey, but you wanted to know. And I warned you. I guess you can say that it came with the territory of how I grew up… that's what they always say… its how you were brought up that influences the way you live. Hah, don't like at me like that… I got brains too, you know? Never really knew my parents… but who here really met their own birth parents? Hardly. I knew I was adopted and all, I didn't really care, I was happy. But I think I should've known when I heard those voices coming next door… sure, they were my parents', but different… angry… and irritated. It wasn't like them at all. 

I should've known better… but, what, I was only five… six… years old then? I really don't know. I was just a little kid that wanted to go out and play. What was I to know about what was going on? But that day that I walked in my parents' room… I knew that it was different. I remember seeing my mother… looking straight at my dad, her eyes all watery and red. And that's when I felt her love for him drain out… it disappeared just like that. Gone. You should've seen the pain she went through… it even hurt just looking at her. Then day by day, her misery would eat away at her… she would have no life at all. She wouldn't even talk to me. I guess getting lost in Brooklyn with her was a good thing… I don't really know. I don't even remember if she even felt an ounce of regret and love when she knew I was gone. But I'm glad I left… or got lost… whatever happened… if I would've stayed there longer, I would've been afraid of turning into a lifeless zombie like her. It's even worse than living out here. 

That's what I'm scared of. My fear. Love. The point is, you don't know how it's going to affect you… how it's going to make you feel. And that's what so scary about it… and at the same time, I still don't know why I keep on looking for it. You know what I said before? I'm telling you again, though I bet you already heard it. Love is the worst thing of all (don't ever let yourself walk in it) or the greatest thing that can happen to you. Now, nobody was supposed to hear that. Understand? Good. 

-Spot Conlon 

~*~

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: I know, isn't it sad? I just found out that i don't own the newsies either! *tear* fish and bugs? i'd understand bugs, but fish? *shrug* maybe that's just me... er, you... ah, whatever. 

Emu: Haha, i luv you emu, you know that? you're always there to read my ffs! ^^ you should REALLY get an account on ff.net! yeah, the font does get slowly bigger doesn't it? lol. after you told me it looked small, i looked at it over again and you know what? i was squinting! haha! so i just went ahead and changed it! ^^ 

evenstar: hahah, thanks! ^^ don't worry, i'll keep on updating this one! 

JustDuck: lmao! i just love seeing the reviewer's reactions... you searched... you found the next chap! ^^ heheh. 

Destria: its rare? haha, that's interesting. :P NML stands for newsies mailing list and NWA stands for newsies writing aid... they're groups on yahoo that i also sent my stuff too. really fun people there. ^^ 

Oneconfusednewsie: did ya notice that we end up giving our boys such a hard time? *tear* but we still love 'em anyway! ^^


	3. itey

**Fear **

**~*~ **

You again? Well, I guess I better get used to seeing you since you're becoming a newsie and all. Why aren't you out selling your papes? Ah, well never mind. So you're here again to ask another question? Thought so. But one day you're going to have to drop that to work for money. Forget that… do what you want. So what is it this time? 

Fear? What made you pick these questions? Not that I'm saying its bad or anything… I'm going to have to think. So that's what everybody else said? Yeah, well you just love making us think. Lemme see… 

Hmm… I think I have it… walls. Yeah. Don't look at me like that. You gotta wait for me to explain. I know… why would I be scared of walls? Those little things made out of brick and plastered with paint? Its scarier than you can imagine. I'm not clostraphebic… oops, I mean claustrophobic. Did I say it right this time? Okay. 'Cause I'm not… I guess these are different kinds of walls for me. 

I'll try to make this easier for you. You know how you keep on going around asking newsies questions just for fun and writing about it? You like to do that right? Kind of… an addiction… something that you just can't stop doing. Yeah. Well, the same goes for me. No, I don't write… I'm not that good. I perform. What kind of performing? Umm… singing and dancing, I guess. Its just something that I've been doing since I was little… a way to express myself, you know? I think you'd understand with all that writing you're doing. 

Oh yeah, walls. Just imagine yourself stuck in one place… and you can't move or do anything else… the walls are closing in on you and you seem like you can't express yourself… that you don't have a voice in anything. That you feel like you're nothing. Scary, isn't it? It's not exactly the happiest feeling in the world. I guess it won't make sense without me saying this… 

Everybody knows about the refuge… even YOU know about it. We've been there once in a while. Who wasn't? I bet you'll get in eventually… nothing drastic about it or anything, just a place where they throw kids in. My point is… I've been there ever since I could remember. I guess I was just a little baby when my parents dropped me off there. I really don't think they were thinking about my safety, because it IS the refuge. What were they going to expect? 

At least I had some place to stay… aside from the other kids coming in because of what they did, I was there because I had no place to go. I guess it was 'cause of the owner of the building… Damian Angelis. He was almost like a father to me… and I thank him for that. He managed the place during that time, but he was old and wasn't exactly healthy. 

I didn't exactly jump for joy when he was gone and Snyder came in the picture. He wasn't exactly fatherly… or nice either. The words you would use were cruel and insane. He treated me worse than the other kids mainly because I stayed there for no reason at all. That I didn't commit a crime. He kept me locked in a closet, with only a window. I felt like a prisoner… and soon enough the walls were closing in on me. 

At least I had a voice before. I could say what I thought. I could express what I felt. But lately I have had to keep it inside. He wouldn't care what I said, he'd look at me with the same look he had everyday, hatred. I was just another kid taking up space in his precious refuge. I didn't need to be here. 

I guess he finally took the matters into his own hands and threw me out. Ironic, isn't it? I wanted to get out, and he did it for me. The point is, he didn't know what I wanted. He would've kept me there longer if he would've known. I'm just glad he did. 

Do you get it? What my fear is? I want to be able to know that I have a voice in things and that I can express myself. I finally found it through singing and dancing. Who would've thought that I was going to find that at a party at Medda's? Maybe drinking, gambling, and other girls, but singing and dancing? Hah, that was interesting, even for me. But I didn't stop there. I wanted to keep on going with it. 

It was my… passion? Is that what you call it? Well, whatever it is, I'm glad that I found it. Just like with your writing and asking, you just can't turn it off. Just wonder what it'll be like if we can never do these things. Right. So you see how walls can get so scary? 

-Itey 

**~*~ **

i already wrote out all the other newsies' fears. i have ALMOST everyone. then afterwards, i'm going to end with two more chapters, then i'm done! the newsies that i have are (that aren't out already): mush, crutchy, race, specs, david, skittery, bumlets, and jack. i'm going to let you guys choose who's going next since i have NO IDEA what order to do it in. if none of you say anything, then i'm going in that order. okie dokie? okie dokie. ^^ 

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: lol, which reminds me... writing for if they only knew! aahh... i gotta start writing for that again! ^^ 

Oneconfusednewsie: heheh. isn't he adorable? 

Justduck: lmao! awww. heheh. i don't think i've seen that before, but the name sounds really familiar. :P 


	4. racetrack higgins

wow... well, here's the results! 

mush - 3, race - 6, jack - 2, skittery - 3

looks like race outdid everyone! haha! the rest that i have are: mush, crutchy, specs, david, skittery, bumlets, and jack. don't forget to tell me which one you want to go next! ^^ 

btw, the first paragraph says something about mush... it might not make sense NOW, but when you read mush's story, just refer back and it'll all click together. *nod* ok, go read now! 

~*~

**Fear **

~*~

Another question, huh? It's a good thing you caught me when I ain't playing cards. You're a lucky one. Oh—is that what you're asking this time? You sure this has nothing to do with Mush talking to you 'cause if you—okay, good… you didn't. Hmmm… fear. I never really thought about that lately, 'cause really, who has the time to do that? Well, maybe YOU do, but you're just you. 

No, its not my fear that I lose all my money in a bet… or have the horse that I pick not win…. Although, that'd really be bad… I mean, where am I going to get all that money? I can't keep on asking the boys for money again, can I? Anyways… for me, it's about taking chances. Nothing happens to you if all you do is sit around and wait for something to come up to you. You gotta work your way to where you want to be. That's what I know. 

I don't know if this is exactly my fear, but its what I feel, so I guess it counts, right? My fear is… not being able to take chances. Not being able to choose what I want. See, if you're smart enough you'd see where my betting and playing cards would tie in with this. I really thought you would've figured it out by now. You see, I want to know that I have the choice whether or not to wake up or go back to sleep. To choose whether I want to tease my friends endlessly. But those are just the little things, you know? 

Its knowing whether you can choose what you WANT to be. Nobody told me to go to the racetrack, play cards, and smoke cigars… I did that 'cause I wanted to. Nothing hard about that. And I know I can be more… and I will… I want to own one of those gambling clubs. Hey, I know it all, so why don't I make one in the future? 

I know, I'm getting ahead of myself, but I still got the CHOICE of whether I should do it or not. You see where I'm going with this? 'Cause really, without choices… we're just a bunch of people walking around doing what one person tells us to do. So where's the purpose in all of that? Nothing, I tell you. 

And I sure made a choice when I left my family. There was nothing for me to look forward to. Either it was a punch on the face from my father or a verbal slap from my mother. It was a no-win situation. It really didn't help either that my father blamed everything on me. Heh, that's what happens when you're the only child. All their attention is on you. I'd rather say this the short way… they really didn't treat me, or anyone else in fact, right. I mean, who wouldn't leave a family that loved you? Right. That's what I thought. 

Okay, look--- there's Skittery and the others… I was just waiting for them. So to wrap it all up, my fear's not having a choice of doing what I want. There, I said it. Now, I choose for YOU to go so I can play poker with my friends. 

-Racetrack Higgins 

~*~

thanks for the reviews! i luv you guys so much! *hands out cookies and muffins* and for the hundredth time *lol*, i'm still writing if they only knew! it just takes me a while... i feel so bad cuz i get distracted by my random ideas. :P 

**Shout-outs**

Sagey: you finally caught up! hahah! all that reading you did in one night... lol. post up more for santa fe! ^^ 

Sapphy: lmao, why do you think fish is so scary? i like fish! :P lol. hahah, don't worry! i'm still gonna write for if they only knew! i know what to do and everything... its just that i keep getting distracted by this! lol. not that i'm saying that random ideas are bad... :P 

BoogityWhuup14: aw, how come you changed your username? what was wrong with spazjoslyn? i liked it! heheh. 

Frenchygoyl: yay! i love getting new reviewers! ^^ *waves* hi! hahah, thanks! wow, everyone wants race to go next... 

Oneconfusednewsie: yeah, i agree! see, if i couldn't sing or write AT ALL i'd just burst! 

Justduck: "It's hard to be creative in an uncreative environment!" hah! *points at all reviews that read if they only knew* read that! lol. hmm... okie dokie. i'm going to blockbuster tomorrow anyways to get bruce almighty. that was such a funnie movie! aww... your guinea pig should be skittery! and if it fits him, its better! 

evenstar: hahah, i know!!! don't worry, i'm still writing for that... just takes me a while to get it all through! ^^ 

striker: i knew that you were gonna pick race! hah! lol. 


	5. mush meyers

**Fear - Chapter Three**

~*~

The results were kind of interesting... there was a tie between mush and bumlets, i honestly didn't know what to do, so i just decided to post up mush since nobody put up another vote. (hah, i voted myself!) btw, skittery and jack both got one vote each. 

the other newsies you can still vote for are: bumlets, crutchy, specs, david, skittery, and jack. don't forget to vote! 

~*~

Oh, it's another one of these things. Wow, I honestly didn't think you were going to ask that. So fear, huh? I guess you could say… scared of seeing Race in one of Medda's outfits. Oh, you weren't talking about THAT kind of fear? I still say it's scary. Alright, well deepest fears? 

The dark. I know it may seem child-like, but hear me out, will you? A guy's got the right to explain himself! Okay, well, the dark. No, I'm not talking about that night type of thing. I'm not afraid of that. We've all lived through nights. 

I guess its finding yourself trapped with nowhere to go… not being able to see where you are, who you're with, not being able to have a sense of what, where, when, why, and how. Hah, sorry about that, sometimes selling newspapers can influence you. The point is, that you don't know what's coming in the dark. You don't know what you're going to expect. I guess I should just say it out. I'm not scared of the dark; really, I'm scared of what's in it. Of what can come out of it. 

I think it all ties back to what happened back then. I'm gonna tell you, alright? It was Christmas night… and I just ran out to get my sister's gift. Life was perfect… then. My parents were happy, my sister and brothers were healthy with not one ounce of disease. It was going to be a good Christmas. So then I came back, with my little sister's present (I forgot it, ok?) and I thought that everything had gone. Honestly. The lights were off and no sound was coming from my house. That wasn't supposed to happen. I mean, what do you expect with four other siblings? Quiet? Yeah, right. 

I couldn't just stand out there and wait, now could I? So I walk up and open the door, the lights still off. It was dead dark. Literally. I couldn't see a thing. Not even my own feet. Then it was when thunder and lightning came down when I saw what had happened. That quick little flash gave me chills and fears that had frightened me forever. 

Dead. All of them. Each and every single one of them. I could see my parent's bodies over there in the corner of the room, their limp bodies huddling over my youngest baby sister, Lucy. But I knew too well they were gone. I could see the slits in their throats and the way the slumped on the ground. But whoever attacked my brothers was unmerciful. The stabs, bruises, and cuts were found here and there. They fought for their family. And I was proud of them. They tried… really they did. But I really don't understand why I'm here and they're not. 

That's what I found in the dark. Years of family gone and swiped away just like that. I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again… its what you find in the dark that you should fear… why do you think I always look on the bright side? (No pun intended!) You gotta think positive… can't always think like you're going to die the next day. But I ain't that naïve, you know. I still know how to watch out for my back and look at reality. 

I know that good things can come out of the dark too, but that's not what I saw. I just can't erase it like that. So, my fear, you ask? The dark. 

-Mush Meyers

~*~

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: hahah, aren't you glad i started writing for if they only knew? ^^ i'm loving your fic! the island one! lol, i'm too scared to spell it out... i can't wait to see what happens! 

Sagey: freedom? lol, sure... whatever you say! isn't posting at the message boards getting addictive? lol.

BoogityWhup14: oohhh, i see! from what movies are the other characters from? 

Striker: hah, i knew you were gonna pick mush! *wink* doesn't he remind you of josh? 

Cards: ^^ hahahh, thanks! 

Evenstar: its a good thing that i have all of this written out already, don't i? i just couldn't stop writing, and when i didn't feel like it anymore, i was just sitting there and reading what i wrote, and i was just like "i wrote all of THAT?" lol. 


	6. skittery

~*~

what happened to all those people voting for bumlets?! well, here's the results... 

Bumlets - 1, Skittery - 4, Specs - 1, Jack - 3 (almost there!)

Other newsies that you can still vote for are bumlets, crutchy, specs, david, and jack

**~*~**

**Fear**

**~*~**

Hey! You done selling—oh questions again. Go ahead… I need to take a breather anyway. Isn't it funny how people can be so easy to fool? You'd think they were smarter to buy from a kid who made up the headlines on the newspaper. Oh, sorry, I'm babbling. Just kinda tired that's all that I needed to talk… so what is it? 

Hmm… fear. I guess you'd be thinking about my name, wouldn't you? Skittery. I know its an unusual name, but look at the other newsies. Does Pie Eater and Mush sound normal to you? Hahah, yeah. You see, we ain't just creative on making headlines… we also use it to think of our nicknames. Not exactly think, but when things just stick to you, its really hard to let them go. 

I guess when I came here, being a newsie, I mean, I wasn't exactly… um, what would you say… open to other people. I don't really know how to explain this… let's see… I'll just start from the beginning. 

Everybody belonged to a family, didn't they? Or at least the minute they were born. Who knows was to happen the next. I guess you can say that I had a family, even though that's not what I'd call it. I was the only one… and that had some consequences. Being the only child in a family can also cause some problems. It ain't that easy, you know. 

My father was always out somewhere… some place that I don't really know, and that time, I didn't need to know. I really don't know how my mother handled it. She was always there at home with me, my own angel. She was near perfection, you can say. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but sometimes being perfect can have its costs. Just when I thought that she was fine with how our lives were going… she finally burst. No, not like that… Geez. I guess she got annoyed with father. I think it irritated her before, but I think she just kept it in… trying to make everything fine for me… and I bought it so easily. 

It was another one of those nights when father wasn't home and mother was just there washing the dishes after dinner. I always loved her songs, especially her voice. It's one of those things that you never forget. So there she was, washing. Then something snapped in her mind, I guess. I saw her back towards me, probably holding the plate… then in less than a second, she was there, smashing the plates on the floor… mumbling and rambling about something I couldn't make out. But it was her voice… her voice that made me sleep at night that caught my attention. It was shrill and harsh each time the plate fell on the floor. It wasn't her at all. Then, as if nothing happened, she would snap from her trance and act like nothing happened. 

Weird, I know. I didn't understand either. But how was I to know that being a grown up was so hard? I was just a kid. What was I to do? Then it kept on happening again and again… she would be in a trance… happy and smiling, then shouting and angry the next… then a quick change to what she was before. I really thought she was going mental. It didn't help either that father never came back home. She didn't stop at plates… she went on further until she found me as a satisfying something to take out her anger on. 

I was defenseless and had no strength, then. I couldn't do anything. I hated seeing her like this. It was her anger that caused her to act the way she did… and I hated it… and feared it. 

I guess that's why I was jumpy when I first became a newsie. I didn't exactly trust them right out… thinking that they'd suddenly change. Skittery, that's what I was. But everyone gets used to change, don't they? 

Aaahh… I'm babbling again, aren't I? I'm so sorry… hah, you're just saying that so I wouldn't feel bad. But don't worry, I'm about to tell you my fear. Its anger. Yeah, I know, how can you be afraid of anger? I guess it's the effect it does on people… the violence and ugly monster that comes out of them when they become angry. Yeah, that's it. Come on; don't tell me that I wasn't the only one that saw Spot practically jump on Jack when he came as a scab. If it weren't for the other newsies and bulls that held him back, there would've been a really big fight that day. 

So there it is. Anger. I know it may need some thinking to figure out why, but you're smart enough. It really doesn't take a genius to come up with the answer. 

-Skittery 

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy - hahha, scary huh? yup, i thought so too. *snicker* haha yeah, i do fine in spelling and all but that word is just TOO hard to spell for me. i don't even think i can pronounce it! 

BoogityWhup14 - ooh, okie dokie! *whipers* i won't tell anyone! lol. 

FrenchGoyl - hahah, so i guess you can comfort mush then! btw, dya have an account here on ff.net? 

OneConfusedNewsie - everybody's feeling so sad for mush! but i guess they SHOULD be, right? lol. *bad bad ershey* 

Sagey - i know! *tear* but i'll make up for it, don't worry! *goes off and huggles mush* i wuffle you. 

JustDuck - whoot! aren't you happy skittery went next? Earthquakes and snakes i can handle, but i hate needles too! being buried alive? never thought of that...


	7. bumlets

~*~

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! ^^ Here's the results... hardly anyone voted, but i was really anxious to put up the next chapter. 

Results: Bumlets - 2, Crutchy - 1, Specs - 1, Jack - 1

You can still vote for: crutchy, specs, david, jack. wow, only four left! so, don't forget to vote! alrighty, now that's done... here's bumlets! 

~*~

**Fear **

**~*~ **

You got a different question this time? Haha, I thought so. Really, you'd think that notebook and pencil would be stuck to your hand. But that's not a bad thing! At least you have something to do. That's your question? Hmm… fear. That's a really interesting one you've got there. Different from the other ones you asked. 

You know what? I'll give you a straight-out answer. My fear is finding things that I don't intend to know. Things that may hurt others and the way we think. I'm not saying that finding out things is bad, cause its not… I'm glad that those smart scientists and teachers are finding better ways to improve things. I'm not complaining about that. Sometimes easy can be good… but sometimes the hard way can be better. I'm not talking about traditional ways… right, like I'd want to go back to those times. 

I guess its kind of the same as discovering. It's like that time when we found out about Jack not having a family in Santa Fe, finding him in those clothes and dressed up as a scab, and finding out that Denton wasn't working for The Sun anymore. We all found that out during the strike. You can look at it either way… good or bad. But most of us stuck with the bad. We weren't really that happy. We thought that everything was going so well… and look at what happened. But what were we going to expect? That Pulitzer was going to change his policies just because we said so? Yeah, right. 

I have a habit of finding out things… things that aren't necessarily good for me. You'd think that my older sister would be there to look out for me when our parents were gone. Of course I'd take care of you, that's what she said. So I stayed with her. What was I to do? I had nowhere else to go. We were really lucky to find an apartment that held at least two people. It wasn't home, but it was a place to come back to. I never really knew what she did that gave us money. I didn't care. I knew we needed it, and she had it. 

But who wouldn't get suspicious? They were LOADS of money, really. More than I expect her to make from working at a factory or being a barmaid. I guess my curiosity got the best of me. As soon as I found out, I felt different. I felt unclean. This what was she was doing? She got all that money just from selling her body? I knew that we needed money, but I didn't want it that way. I didn't think like I did now… if I looked with my eyes now, I wouldn't have thought it was wrong. She was just somebody trying to live. But I was young, then, and I thought differently. 

I hated her for that. She never knew that I followed her one day and ran back to our apartment all cold and confused. What irritated me the most was that her attitude changed. She liked what she was doing and her greed got the best of her. She wasn't my sister anymore. So I left. Just like that. She probably wouldn't have cared… I was just extra body space. 

But the other things I found weren't that bad. I found the newsies and selling papes. I found Kloppman, Jack, and all the other boys. I found Tibby's and Medda. I found Manhattan and Brooklyn. I found something that I knew I could hold on to. 

That was it for me, my fear is finding. You never really know what to expect… the bad or the good. But you can't really point out what you can find, can you? It all depends. So you see, you can find SO many things… things that can destroy you for life or things that can leave you smiling with content. 

-Bumlets 

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: lol, if you think about it... she's actually kinda scary... but anyways! hahah. *whispers* write more for your island ff! (too scared to say it again)

FrenchyGoil: Haha yeah, that's my mission in life, to make all of you cry. I'm doing a good job, aren't i? lol. i used to be afraid of dogs... but i'm not anymore. haha, glad that i'm not or else i'll be paranoid around any dog. oohh... i see why you don't have an account! *nod* 

BitterSweetDragon: hiya! actually, i kinda like the specs chapter... it ain't THAT sad... 

Sagey: aw, its okay sagey! *hugs* lol. fear is actually the first completely angst ff i wrote... or at least i think so. yeah, it is. yeah. *nod* lol. 


	8. specs

Aaahhh, what is going on?! Guess what? There's a TIE! AGAIN! hahah. isn't that just uncanny? and what's more, its a three-way tie, which made it a bit more interesting. So guess what? I just decided to let the one that did not get enough votes. ^^ (But I have to admit, this is my favorite one... lol)

Jack - 3, Crutchy - 3, David - 3, Specs - 1

So this is how its going to go from now on... I'm still going to let all of you vote, but if there's a tie again, I'm going to have to pick who's going next. I won't tell you the order, but there's only three more newsies, so it won't be that hard to figure out. There's going to be at least five more chapters, so if you love me *i know you do!* you'll keep on reading, right? right. ^^ 

~*~

**Fear **

**~*~**

Another one? Hold on… I'm almost done here. There we go. I think I have enough money to get a decent meal today. So what's your question for today? Fear? That's interesting… hmm… I think that my fear is… not having enough money? Nah… you know, this is going to take a while. I think its change. Yeah, maybe that's it. 

Remember the strike? Of course you do! Who wouldn't? Anyways, we couldn't… wouldn't sell papes until they changed the price. Damn those big newspaper owners. They did all of those things for themselves, didn't they? Its probably just too hard for them to think of somebody else besides themselves. So back to what I was saying… the strike. I don't know how we lived through those weeks. Without selling papes, where were we to get our money? I'm just glad that it turned out the way that we wanted to. We won. 

But what happened during those weeks will be in my mind forever. I mean, those things that happened… they're not that easy to forget. I thought that we were going to starve to death… I thought that we weren't going to be able to have enough money to pay the rent… I thought that we weren't going to be able to see Medda unless we pay the front door. There were so many things going through my mind. Not just me, but the others too. I wasn't the only one in this. But we were lucky enough to be in a position where we had friendships with the people that we needed. 

It wasn't easy, though. I was close to giving up. I remember wanting to stay in my bed as long as I can before Jack and Kloppman were around to get us up and running. I can still feel that emptiness in my stomach… I could almost feel it eating itself… deteriorating. And having an empty stomach isn't necessarily a piece of cake. It affected how you thought and acted. It was a miracle we survived. It wasn't until all the other newsies were gone that I was still there… my pillow over my head and tucked under the covers. My vision was still blurry without my glasses, but I managed looking at the blankets that surrounded me. I didn't want to go. 

I argued… I told him that we were nothing but street rats. That we just wanted everything to stay where it was. That Pulitzer doesn't care about us. That it's hard enough for us to live through one day being a newsie, just think how different this is. 

That's how I thought… I was happy with the way things were even though it gave me a few black eyes and bruises here and there. But I lived. I didn't have anything to worry about other than having somebody run after me or attack me. Things were fine the way things were. Why did they have to go around and change it? 

Hm, but Jack, he wouldn't give up for the world. He wanted a better place. I wouldn't disagree with that, but I was satisfied with what I had. And you know how Jack is and his ambitions. Him and Santa Fe. He knew that if we kept hanging in there, we would win. If he couldn't have Santa Fe at his hands, he would have Pulitzer begging down on his knees for change. 

He told me that we'd beat them. He told me that we'll live through this and soon enough, things will be back to normal. Now, don't go thinking he was affectionate when he was saying this. He was determined and willing to go on. You really couldn't stop him in the middle of his speeches. He even talked about how Denton was on our side… that he knows our cause. He said that all it takes is for us breaking down their doors and chanting and shouting with all our might. That if we win this, if we get through with it, that the working kids of New York can eat and sleep peacefully once again. He said that we were just as important as them. That we're people too… with minds just as strong as them. 

Now you're thinking that he's one hell of a speech giver. And he is. He just lets his emotion get away with him. So what did you think I did? Yeah, I got up and joined them in the streets. After all that talking Jack did, it got me to thinking. What if we created a change for the better? It wouldn't be so bad. For a moment, I wasn't scared at all and looked at the bright side. 

That's my fear… and I think it still is. I don't think I would've survived without that pep talk from Jack. But I'm still scared of change. You never know what will happen… if its for the worse or for the better. As for the strike, we came out lucky… we stuck through the problems and won. 

But now I came to realize that change can come either way. A nightmare or a blessing. 

-Specs 

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: you know what? i tend to write more sad stories... :( hahah. i'm really loving your island ff, sapphy! *jumps up and down* i know i've said this a million times before but, i can't wait to see what happens next! 

Oneconfusednewsie: there you are! lol, i was wondering where you ran off to... oh wow, your step dad was like that? coinky-dink. 

Justduck: aren't you glad that specs made it?! i know you are. ^^ 

Frenchygoil: hahha, just make sure that you always have a box of tissues with you. *wink* ooh yeah! christmas! only... *counts* 23 more days! 

Evenstar: hahah, there ya have it! you asked, i gave! well... basically, yeah. lol. but as for my other ffs, i'm working on it! 

Puck: Yeah, i agree! Crutchy's cool! ^^ But if he only had one... more... vote... 

Emu: aw, its great to know that i rock your world. ^^ don't you just love the sudden random ideas that pop into my head? i swear, i had another one in the middle of biology class while we were watching a video about influenza. hahah, it just comes at the weirdest times. 

Jo: Hang in there! We'll see how Jack does after the votes are cast in for the next chapter... dun dun dun... 


	9. jack kelly

Whoot! Another chapter for you guys! And guess who won? Yup, the long awaited one... JACK! hahah. its about time he finally won! 

Scores were: David - 3, Jack - 4, Crutchy - 1

I waited a few more days for votes since some people didn't vote... :( but that was alright. We've all waited long enough, right? Right. hahah. Oh, and I watched Honey last night! I really liked that movie! And Davey's in it! He's the baddie... he starts out all nice, but ends up being mean. *pout* aww. hahah. but really, you guys should watch it! alrighty, enough of my babbling... only two more newsies! crutchy and david... who'll be next? 

~*~

**Fear **

**~*~**

You came here to interview me? Oh, well just one question? Alright then. At least it's better than those reporters that keep on asking you questions all day. I really thought that they were never going to stop. Nosy people. But I guess they have to be for their job, right? You can't really blame them. 

So, anyways, what was it again? Ah, fear. In general fear? Okay then. Lemme think about that for a minute… I bet you the other newsies didn't answer you straight out, did they? Yeah, I thought so. This isn't something that usually comes up in our conversations. 

I guess if you would go and ask Davey then he'd know. I didn't really realize it until that night when I was captured by Pulitzer and was sent to talk to him about my future. It made me think, you know? I thought that the life of a newsie was the most exciting thing for me, but I didn't think even further about what would happen next. I mean, who knows what's going to happen after we stop selling papes? Beg? I don't think so. 

But being a newsie gives you a home. I guess I was kind of fuzzy on that kind of thing at first. It wasn't really clear to me, I guess. I think it was 'cause I was the leader that I felt the need to look after everybody, in a way. I didn't take the time to notice what was around me. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. No, not just friends. They were my family too. 

Don't worry; I'm getting to the point about my fear. I never really had somewhere to go to before I became a newsie. You see, my father was a convict in jail and my mother was long gone before I even knew. Family was a foreign word to me. I didn't know what it was and I didn't know what made it. I just thought that if you put together a man, woman, and a kid, that they'd be a family. Yeah, well, I was wrong. 

So what did I do? I lived on the streets… stole, looked for money and a place to stay, and ran away from the bulls as much as I can. It was suddenly getting a habit for them to see me hang around places that I didn't need to be. They were bound to catch me one day… come on, I mean, with all that running they've been doing, at least they got an exercise. 

They finally sent me to the refuge… where they throw all the homeless and ragged children they could find in the streets. Any excuse would do. It didn't matter. As long as there were kids there, Snyder was happy. I wanted to leave… to get out of that prison. With the way they treated us, you'd think that you were in hell already. Ahem, only with kids. Interesting, huh? Planning to leave took me forever… I wanted to escape. Thank God for Teddy Roosevelt. One of the best men I know. And he was there again for the strike to bail me out when we needed him the most. You just gotta love the guy. 

I guess it was then that hit me… my fear. See, I told you I was getting there! Where was I going to go? I had no family… no place… no money… even no friends. For once in my life, I was a scared little boy that needed a mother. Not that my real one helped before. I just needed someone to be there for me. I needed a home to go to. 

That was what the newsies were for me. My family. With Kloppman being the "Father" and Medda being my "Mother" and the other newsies as my brothers, it all works out. We may not share the same blood type and all that junk those scientists have been talking about, but we are made of the same blood. The same blood that lived throughout the streets of New York. Its funny how things turn out, don't they? You start looking for something you've always wanted and find it staring at you right in the face. 

If you've been paying attention, you'd know what my fear is. Let's see if you know. What is it? 

Okay good. You're right… me not having a place to go to. Not having a home and a family. In short, I guess you could say being lonely, but I don't think that was what I was looking for. Its about knowing that right after you got soaked by the Delanceys, you would know who turn to.

-Jack Kelly 

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: hahah, you ain't gonna give up aren't you? the next chap for if they only knew might take a little while... finals is coming up here at school, and that means cramming and studying for my tests! :P no fun. hahah. but we'll see. 

Frenchygoyl: lol, sad but not THAT sad. i didn't do his past... so maybe that's why it's not that sad than the others. this one's kinda about the strike... well, i dunno. *shrug* hahah, i luv my muses! but they just end up coming at really random times... now i bring a notebook with me wherever i go. ^^ well, msot of the time....

Oneconfusednewsie: hahah, no! lol! i never thought of it THAT way! when i read what you said, i went to reread it... and i just starting laughing at how that could make sense! hahah, that's alright tho... it happens to the best of us! 

Bittersweetdragon: Aren't ya happy? ^^ Jack's finally here! 

Bookey: hahah, thanks! ^^ yeah, Christmas is coming! only... *counts* 19 more days! 

Justduck: hahah, you see how much i love you? ^^ hmm... i dunno. i think somebody already did that though... well, the same concept at least. we'll see what i can come up with the next time. oh hey! *points* you didn't vote! lol. 

Sagey: lol! you keep on consistently voting for Jack and he finally won! you know, i was thinking of saving him as the last newsie... but i guess it didn't turn out that way. That and you'd be really antsy for it to come out. lol. oh hey! where's SF?! 

Evenstar: aw, glad to see that it made your day! ^^ i'm getting there with if they only knew! must... figure... out... what... will... happen.... lol. 

Joizey: ooh, you gotta watch out for davey's chapter though... it can get a little confusing... i guess i wasn't thinking straight during that time. lol. :P 

Runaway: hahah, we all forget things... :P you ever walked into a room and forgot what you were going to do? yup, that's me. hahah. thanks, btw! 


	10. crutchy

Almost time for dinner... hahah, that was random. i know that i put up the chapters a few days ago, but i couldn't help it, and now we have... crutchy! ^^ so that means, davey will go next. don't worry about it, there's still TWO more chapters (not counting davey's chap) that will remain... erm, unknown. dun dun dun... hahah. yes, i have finals coming up, so maybe it'll take a while for me to update. which reminds me, i still hafta do my speech notecards... aah, see? lol. 

oh yeah, and the scores were davey - 2, and crutchy - 4

~*~

**Fear **

**~*~**

You never get tired of asking questions, do you? Hah, I won't be surprised if you end up working for one of those big newspaper companies. I'll laugh so hard if I see your name on the same newspapers that we're selling today. So, go ahead, ask. Alright, then… fear… 

This one's going to take a while… just let me talk for a while, okay? Thanks. Not everyone's born healthy, you know? It really doesn't help that New York's not exactly the cleanest place to live. Especially with all those germs and bacteria around. I'm not saying that I'm grossed out by that or anything, geez, that's not my fear! I'm just saying that it's those things that got me the way I am. Yeah, I was born with a bum leg. Not everything comes out perfect. 

They didn't pay that much attention to me at the orphanage. You'd think they would with my condition. But I didn't really care. I wanted to be like the other kids… I wanted to run around and play. But then what was I supposed to do? I couldn't even walk. What I'm going to say next may surprise you… I haven't been in crutches all my life. Half the time I was just sitting on whatever I can find. You know where my first crutches came from? Snyder. Hah, I knew it. That's alright… you really should've seen the look on your face though. No, he's not changed, if you wanted to know. I think he was visiting the orphanage… looking to see what he would expect for his refuge, no doubt. He practically tossed me the crutch. Not exactly an act of kindness. I still don't know why he did that… I guess I stopped thinking about it when I went to the refuge during the strike. He didn't look at me differently. I was just a kid he gave crutches too. Hah, maybe there's a human underneath it all. 

So when I finally got used with my crutch, I think I found out that I could almost do anything. Sure, it took some getting used to, but I got the hang of it. Even though I heard whispers behind my back, I was glad to be up and running… er, well, you know what I mean. 

I always thought that I wasn't able to do anything ever since I can remember. I was a nothing. A kid that can't walk at all. But I guess I realized that my crutch helped me more than I thought. I wasn't helpless. I just needed something to lean on, in more than one way. It didn't take long for me to think that just because my body's not in perfect shape, doesn't mean that I can think for myself and do things on my own. I'm still human, after all. I can do what I want, when I have the will and strength to want to do it. Does that make sense? I hope so. 

So back to your question. Oh yeah, fear. For me, I think its not knowing that I have the ability to do something for myself. Its not having the strength to wake up every day and being able to sell my papes just like the others. I'm not saying that I want to be just like them, 'cause this leg's a part of me. 

I'm saying that its really scary for me to find out that I won't be able to do anything. That I'll be stuck in a chair for all my life. I don't want that. Life's too precious to give up. 

-Crutchy

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: Actually, if you think about it, it IS kind of like save the last dance. *shrug* but i thought it was okay... well maybe 'cause of the songs, but that's just me. :P yeah, i hate finals... i gotta start studying for that, blargh. 

Sagey: what's up with ff.net and your comp? it didn't work again? aw. hahah, its always the problem with the tenses, huh? but that's alright... maybe 'cause i didn't look over it before i put it up. :P i wrote THAT? *checks* hah, i did. its really shocking to see what i can come up with when my muses are shouting ideas and urging me to write. 

JustDuck: hahah, you got it again! ^^ aren't you just lucky, ducky? hahah. yeah, i hope i can think of another one... i actually kinda know what to write about next... but just a little hazy on the plot. :P but we'll see! 

Oneconfusednewsie: Gracias! ^^ I'm taking spanish right now... y'know, i used to like it so much when i first started last year, but now there's so many things to memorize! aah! 

Frenchygoil: i agree! who wouldn't want to live there? *wink* hahah. my muses come out when i'm relaxed... and happy. so i haven't been doing much lately. don't you just love studying? *please note my sarcasm* lol. 

Snaps: hahah, well, mush makes my world go round. ^^ ah, i haven't written for hypnotized in a while! hopefully i'll get one or two more chaps by christmas... HOPEFULLY... 

Runaway: Yup, we're still voting. Or... not anymore. Ah, you'll see... lol, i'm confusing myself. i have lists too... kinda... i have a little notebook next to the computer so i can write anything down i need to remember. 

*jumps* OOH! food's ready... hahah, i'm hungry... 


	11. david jacobs

*tear* its almost over! Can you believe it?! i'm really anxious to put up the next few chapters though... but i'll... try... not... to. although i know all of you want to see it up. so here ya have it... the last chap you'll actually know about! DAVEY! ^^

~*~

**Fear **

**~*~  
**

You're asking me?! I'm amazed… well, I guess since I'm a part of the newsies now that I shouldn't be amazed. Just really shocked that's all. What is it again? Oh… fear. And I thought it was going to be something else. Hah, guess I was wrong. Okay, well… fear. I'll get on with it then… it can't be that hard, can it? 

I guess my family knows it now… me coping with what I'm scared of. I never really dealt with change easily. I don't really know. I guess I get used to the way things are, to how it is right now that I get content. I know that change can be a good thing, that's what everybody says, but it just isn't that easy for me. Who's to know? Its not like you can read my mind, right? 

I think it dawned on me when I found the newsies. A bunch of kids just trying to make money and survive in the world. Honestly, I didn't think it was going to be that hard being a newsie. Sell a few papes and go home… what was so hard about that? Hah, I was wrong. I didn't know anything. Thank God for Jack. If it weren't for him, Les and I probably wouldn't have known what to do that day. I guess I wasn't much affected that day… especially since Jack was there to show me the ropes. I think it gave me assurance, or something, y'know? 

But then the strike… that was totally and completely different for me. I thought it was going to be just another summer with me and Les selling papes all day with the newsies… nothing eventful. Hah, yeah right. What Hearst and those other newspaper fellas did was wrong, I agree with that, but I didn't know how much it was going to affect the others. I couldn't back down now, can I? I was a part of them… and I was their friend. I tried telling Jack, but no, he wanted to go on with it. 

Right then, I was scared. I didn't know whether we were doing the right thing. We could get in the refuge for this… but that was nothing to the others. Sneak out, that's what they said. But I wasn't like them. I was still learning. Then there was jail. I know I was being drastic, but I didn't live the life they did. I didn't come from a broken family or was beaten up by father (although we still had our arguments). I was just a normal kid trying to make money. And that was what was different. I was NORMAL. 

Do you get it now? I don't have an exact answer for you. It's really funny how I started talking about change, then me about being normal. That's why I don't really know my fear so I can't exactly point it out to you. I guess change and differences are my fears? I don't really know. You tell me. 

On with what I was saying before… I'm actually kind of glad that Jack went through with it. Yeah, he used my words and lied to us all, but we all lived through it. It wasn't easy, that's for sure, but we breathed a little better the next day knowing that we can still live our lives with no worries. But I'm not saying that change for me has been exactly great. Then it was a sudden shift for me again… I had to go back to school. I really didn't want to…. but I know I needed it. I wanted to make something of myself… not a bad dream to look forward to, huh? Yeah, I guess not. 

I think my point is… that it all depends on your feelings. On what you're feeling right then and there to show what you fear. I guess for some people there is this one fear just sticks to them their whole life, but for me… it's constantly changing. Heh, kinda reminds me of how Sarah can never decide what to do with her sewing. But that's beside the point. You see, my fear can be almost anything. Change, my differences, maybe even myself… but I don't think I'm going to dig too deep for that. Maybe the next day it'll be fate or time. But I really don't know. How am I supposed to know what I fear? I'm really sorry about this, you know. I didn't think it was going to be this hard… answering a really simple question. I guess I'm going to have to be unanswered for now. You're not bad, you know that? Come talk to me some other time, and maybe I'll know. 

-David Jacobs 

**~*~**

**FRENCHYGOIL! LOOK HERE! **i know i already sent this to justduck and oneconfusednewsie, but i'm putting this up for frenchygoil. if you don't mind, i need your email so i can send you something *whispers* its a secret! if you don't wanna give me your email, that's okay, i'll just put up what i'll tell you in the next chapter. anyways, i already got a reply back from oneconfusednewsie and justduck, so tell me your email! lol. :P 

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sapphy: Hahah, Snyder's... weird, isn't he? *jumps up and down* i'm getting the newsies dvd for christmas!!!! ^^ hahahh, that was really random. 

Bookey: thanks! ^^ a good updater? you can say that... but i'm not exactly one! i tend to have ideas at multiple times, especially when i'm in the middle of something. i have... two other fics that i hardly ever update. but aren't you happy i'm updating THIS one? lol. 

Oneconfusednewsie: yeah... now spanish for me just goes by SO SLOWLY. blah. hahah, well at least you're sure that the person you voted goes next this time! 

Justduck: Nope, i'm not on the east coast... i live in a US territory in the pacific, though. lol. finals starts next week for us, the 16th, 17th, and 18th. you know what sucks? its all on the last three days of school. *pout* so we don't get to have fun or any of that junk. 

Runaway: Hahah, i'm glad that i didn't end up telling all of you... i tend to get away with myself sometimes. :P thanks! i think i did well on my speech. you know what's funny? i had a headache before i gave it, and afterwards, it was gone! lol. 

Sagey: ^^ ohh okie... yeah, if you think about it, it only happens with your reviews. :P hahha, well, snyder's messed up like that. now if you actually think about it, with that hidden motive thing... if i'd have thought of that earlier, i would've made his chapter a bit more sadder (hahha, bad grammar). 


	12. kloppman

Ta da! Here's one of the "mysterious" chapters! Since i'm here slaving away for my finals, i thought i'd give all of you something to make you happy. ^^ hahah, did that make sense? ah, don't mind me... i just went over seven chapters of Spanish. i just came online to have a quick break and post this up. really, i'm going to be swarming under index cards and textbooks by next week... 

~*~

**Fear**

**~*~**

Hey there. Done selling papes today? That's good then. You're getting better. Now, if you'd only write during your free time and focus on selling papes. It'd really help if you want to make more money, alright? 

Hahah, sorry about that. I just wanted to make sure that everybody's doing fine. So you're going to ask me a question? Wouldn't you want to ask the other boys instead? Okay then, I guess you're getting an answer from me. 

So fear, huh? I can answer that question in a minute. No doubt about it. Hah, you should see the look on your face. I bet the others didn't answer too quickly, did they? It's not really that hard if you think about it. I've been managing this Newsboys Lodging House for years and I've seen all of you grow to what you are now. 

I've seen all of these boys go through this door, write their name on this here notebook, and walk in with their past buried inside them. I guess you could say that they were my children, and they practically are. 

Do you know how glad I am to be standing here in this position right now? Who would've thought that being the owner of a Newsboys Lodging House could bring such warmth and happiness to an old man's heart? I honestly thought that all I was going to do was baby-sitting a bunch of boys. Looking after those raggedy boys after they came home from the streets. Waking them up every morning to see another day. Making sure that they had done their chores and are at home at curfew. It all seemed so different when I started… and it turned out just as different as I thought. 

Really, what were you going to expect? How can you not fall in love with these boys living under this roof? You don't expect to sulk in a room all day with nothing to do, can you? You end up talking to them, watching them, and becoming a part of their lives as they grow. 

The stories and memories that I have right now are just as memorable as the ones I know I will have in the future. Having no family of my own, I don't need to ask anymore… because they're right here, in front of my eyes. Yes, even you. 

Now, I know I'm starting to get all mushy here, but that's the way it is. I'll never forget the day when Race finally beat Jack at poker and won all the money in the pot. I'll never forget the day when Spot turned down a girl… any girl, in that case. I'll never forget Itey's dancing and singing in the lobby as he would go outside to sell his papes. I'll never forget Mush and Blink's antics, bringing joy everywhere they went. I'll never forget when Skittery came out of his shell and showed his true self. I'll never forget the day Jack and David became a team, the force that drove the newsies to their greatest possibilities. Now, think about it… will you ever forget them? 'Cause I sure won't. 

I know I shouldn't have favorites or anything, but the boys living here right now are the best that I have seen. Best, how you say? Best overall. The things that they seen, heard, and lived through gave them the strength that they needed everyday. They slowly built upon that as they got physically and mentally stronger, experiencing the possibilities of what could happen outside the streets of New York. They had gone through love and heartbreak worse or better than anyone had ever seen. They experienced the greatest and most terrible events that were handed to them by the world. 

They still have a lot to go through, since most of them are still growing up. But you can see the feelings and emotions that had made them what they are now. I glowed with pride and joy that day they won the strike. They were close to giving up then. But they pulled through. They were determined and strong. That's what happens when you believe in something. 

Now, my point is, they can do anything they want. Right now, they have the world in the palm of their hands. Well, not exactly. A better home and more money would help, but they don't know what they have right in front of them. And I can't really blame them; New York these days isn't exactly paradise. 

My fear would be them not becoming all that they can be. You saw and heard all those things they went through. They're still breathing, aren't they? But they coped and went through it. They didn't just throw all of those memories away… it became a part of them. 

I'm scared that they won't be able to do what they want to do. I'm scared that one day, I'll walk down the streets and see them still begging for money. I'm scared that they won't achieve their dreams. Because I know they can. I know that they can work through it. 

They all fulfilled one dream for the working children of New York. And that was bringing hope and optimism to the hearts of children… telling them that they can fight for what they can believe in if they only work hard at it. Yes, I'm talking about the strike. 

Now, do you see? I want them to be able to become lawyers, doctors, teachers… anything, as long as they're happy. Plain and simple. Happiness and reaching their dreams. I know it sounds impossible, but very little is needed to make a happy life*. That's what you learn when you become a newsie. All the money in the world just can't take away your dreams, memories, and experiences. 

Just remember this… reality is wrong. Dreams are for real**. You know why? 'Cause you can always change reality. That's what the newsies did. 

-Kloppman

**~*~**

....one more chapter to go! 

*very little is needed to make a happy life - Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

**reality is wrong. dreams are for real. - Tupac Shakur

**~*~**

now, do all of you remember that little shoutout i made to oneconfusednewsie, justduck, and frenchygoil? yup, that one? well, i'm still needing one more character for my "surprise" since maybe one of the people i am asking a profile from still isn't replying. i'm going to wait a few more days, then if she doesn't reply back, i will choose one of you (yes you) to be in it. mmk? if you wanna know more, just tell me your email in your review and i'll send you the details. 

**~*~**

**Shout-outs**

Sagey: Hahah, yeah, who would've thunk? Aw, sagey, now don't go killing off ALL of the newsies! *points and shakes finger* tsk tsk. hahah. 

Runaway: Nah, that's alright. Its the same thing that Sage told me too... with my tenses. lol. ends up that i always have problems with that. :P thanks, though! i'm usually more comfortable when i give a speech to people i don't know rather than people i know... because... i know them. hahha, does that make sense? 

Oneconfusednewsie: hahah! psh, lucky girl! i wanna stay home from school... the only problem is the amount of work i have to make up for it. :P ooh, that happens to me too when i eat a lot of chocolate! 

Hazel: *huggles* thanks! ^^ my stories are always up here at ff.net, so feel free to read 'em when you can! 

Sapphy: lol! well, for starters... hahah, jk! oh and thanks for the extra xmas info! 

Joizey Jacobs: Ah, now that i reread it about five times, i see where you're coming from. i'm sorry about that... just another one of my mistakes. :P its usually just tenses for me, but this is the biggest one i had so far. sorry that it was confusing. i meant to say that he just thought he was going to be selling papers during summer, that's all. hope i cleared up the confusion. 

Frenchygoil: yup! crutchy! ^^ ah, that would've been scary if snyder was crutchy's father. *shiver* ooh! yummy! ^^ ah, that's alright about the review... ff.net can get annoying at times. :P i was kinda getting worried that you weren't going to see the new chapter, but you did! heheh. so no worry! 


	13. fear

*sniff sniff* 'tis the last chapter!!! now, i don't want you to scroll down and see who it is before reading it! *points* don't! hahah. okay, so well since some of you know that i'm STILL writing other ffs, i might get the others done by the end of this week (ITOK!). now, for my christmas fic, i might put it up at the end of the week before i leave (me and my parents are gonna visit my family...) for one week OR put the first chap up when i get back. we'll see. ^^ so in other words, there'll be a new fic comin! 

~*~

**Fear**

~*~

_Ten Years Later, 1909_

Who never knew that asking such a simple question would bring about such memories and thoughts that we've always kept hidden? I really didn't think that the boys were going to tell me all that much information that I needed to know. Not that I was complaining, 'cause I wasn't, it was refreshing to hear a story from the boys. They weren't exactly pleasant, I assure you, but it showed me that they weren't exactly the heroes that we thought them to be. They weren't made perfect by God. It didn't take me long to realize that they had their own faults too. They had their own problems and trials that they had to go through their own life. But what was I supposed to know? 

I've lived in the refuge during the early years of my life, back when the newsies that I look upon right now were up against the biggest man in New York, the one who controlled the way they had lived. Pulitzer. Everybody knew him as the owner of The World. The bald bearded man squinting his eyes to see the headline of the newspaper that day, even though he had been already wearing his spectacles. I thought that it was odd… that that man could start up one of the biggest companies around New York. But I guess he was different then. It would've been uncanny if he were like Jack. Hah, scratch that. But what I meant was, that he had a dream. 

I didn't really know why I went around asking questions, wanting to know more and more information everyday. I'd go around with paper and pencil in hand, acting like the most famous reporter that I know, Denton. I looked up to him, the way he stood up for people like us. He looked at us differently, not as a bunch of people taking up body space in New York and not a bunch of scabs or street rats begging in the streets. We were people. With their own minds, hearts, and dreams. I was grateful that he had helped our boys during the strike. It was him that helped them push along their vision. Scary as it sounds, it would've ended differently without Denton. 

I have no idea what's going on with the other boys as I write this right now. I have no intention of telling them about the others' fears and past. I was glad that they trusted me enough to tell me their past and nightmares. Sure, I was overwhelmed by the amount of things that they told me, but it made me look at them at a new light. 

I guess I started asking questions that day I saw Jack hanging from the roof of the refuge, talking to Crutchy, persuading him to come with them. Right then and there, questions and thoughts sparked in my mind. How'd he get up there? Why'd Crutchy refuse? It all snowballed to me. I couldn't help that my hands were suddenly writing and writing, scribbling here and there, on anything I could find. 

Then there was that day, that day when Jack and his newsies won the strike. They had changed the way of living for the working children of New York. It was a celebration in the refuge, I remember that. We were practically jumping up and down for joy. We were going to be released from this prison that we've stayed in since forever. We were able to walk around the streets and do what we want. That is, until we get caught again. But that thought didn't occur in our minds during that time. We were just too… happy. Snyder was going to jail, the prices were put back down, and the newsies could breathe a little bit easier. 

It was then I became a newsie, a little boy out in the streets, shouting at the top of his lungs, and waving a paper in hand. Yeah, that's what we did. Sell newspapers day in and day out. But what was there for us to do? We didn't have any other way to make money, and who would want to put up with the factories during that time? We were content being a newsie, even though hardships did come our way. Though, being a newsie taught you a lot of things, I assure you that. There were lessons not meant to be taught, lessons that you learned on your own, and lessons that you learn on the streets. That's what makes you tough. It's those things that help you grow up and live your own life. So you can look ahead and write your own story. 

So, here I am, with the newsies' fears and my soul bare to you. Years and years passed by, newspapers were sold, bunks were filled and empty, and here we are, the newsies of New York that had started a strike, all grown up with lives of their own. No, we're not selling papers anymore. No, we're not begging for food and stealing anymore. We chased our dreams and success came walking through the door. 

Though it didn't work out for most of us, I still have to say that this group of boys that I know will never leave my memory and heart. They're just too memorable and entertaining to forget. 

Now, I know, after reading after all the newsies' fears, you're asking what mine would be. You knew it was coming eventually, didn't you? To tell you the truth, I'm in the dark about this. Completely. But one thing strikes through my memory. One that stayed with me that I will never forget. 

I was thrown in jail… why? I was drunk that night, and my memory was blurry. I couldn't remember a thing, and I still don't want to. The things I did must have been bad enough for me to be put into my own separate booth, with four black walls and a door. Nothing else. I suddenly had no sense of time… no sense of… anything, really. I'd start tallying the days I was there, but I eventually lost track. I woke up and it was day, then it was night, or night, then day. I was confused as hell. I didn't have anybody to talk to; I didn't have any source to write. I couldn't do anything. Then sudden flashes of the outside world flooded towards me. Ambition and wanting filled my heart, knowing that I can still have hope. 

I don't remember how I got out. The thing is, I fought for it. I'm not proud of what I did, but it's doing those things that teach you something. It was even a more surprise to me when the bulls didn't chase after me. And you know what occurred my mind during that time? They forgot. They forgot about that human being they threw in that little cellar for doing who knows what. 

I didn't care, though. I was free. But it suddenly struck me. I was there for months. I didn't how I survived, but I did. And I was glad that I did. Even though that fact came to me, everything turned out different. A new leader was born, and Jack was out to find his own path. The newsies were out looking for their own jobs, living their own lives, and practically not being newsies anymore. 

I couldn't blame them, being a newsie wasn't a life-long job, unless you wanted to starve out the streets for all your life. It was a good experience for kids, for starting out your life, but it wasn't the thing to do unless you were to manage a lodging house, like Kloppman. He was my second father, my only one, actually. But even though the others had moved on, he had stood by the others and me, showing us the way. 

I guess for me, my fear would be being alone. Being in that little cellar scared me to death, not having anyone to talk to, or even to look at. I didn't know how I looked like and I didn't know what was going on outside. Its human nature, really. Communicating. People have a need to talk and interact. It's the way it is. 

So there you have it, fear. Mine, Kloppman, and a select newsies that changed the course of the working conditions of the children of New York. It wasn't easy, I tell you, to figure out your fear. It just takes a quick smack in the head and a blink to see what is clearly in front of you. You just need to stare it down and figure out what you can live through and what you can't. I guess that fear makes you strong, in a weird sort of way. 

I didn't think that looking through my old notebooks and thinking about the past would have such an effect like this. Scribblings by me, that's what they were, but just read between the lines and you see something more. Something that could probably stay with you for the rest of your life. Who would've thought that writing down all of this would cause me to dwell on things? But I guess that's a good thing, right? It makes you think. 

Remember Blink? I'm never going to forget what he said. Without fears you're not whole. That you're not human, even. And you know what? It's true. Everybody fears something. How can you not? As for the people who won't admit that they have something to be scared about, just think about it, they're obviously have their own fears. They're just too scared to admit it. 

-Ten Pin

~*~

**Shout-outs**

Oneconfusednewsie: Hahah, gpa! never knew that! :P ooh, smores! i want some! lol. geez, you're so lucky... if only all my teachers would be like that. but i'd probably end up feeling bad 'cause i don't hafta do work and the others do. hahah, that's just me. 

Sapphy: Hahah, coinky dink. ^^ does your class get spanish names? we do... heheh. we got to pick it out the beginning of the year. the guys' names are julio, mario, rico... i just think its so funnie. :P 

FrenchyGoil: hahah, you just gotta love kloppman. ^^ spanish hw! lol. actually, spanish hw is not that bad.... our teacher hardly gives us any! *grin* thanks again! oh yeah, for the surprise... i don't know when i'm going to have it out since i'm going to be really busy... maybe january? ah, that's such a long time from now. 

Runaway: i just couldn't finish this ff without kloppman, now can i? ^^ yeah, it makes sense, doesn't it? there was this one time we had to make a speech with a group (and this was in front of our class)... and it was a navajo chant. we ended up making it sound so funnie that i couldn't stop laughing. lol. :P 

Justduck: nope nope, not any of those that you mentioned! i did? i think i was talking about the surprise... :P awww! *hugs justduck* there'll be other ffs! lol.

Emu: hahah, well i literally ran out of ideas when i got to david. :P shh... don't tell the others! lol. oh hey, did you get my email? 


End file.
